Hello, Old Friends

Hello, again, everyone!

Yes, I'm back. It's good to be back. And I have quite a few stories I could tell. I guess the most important one for now is that I have discerned that the religious life is not for me at this time. I spent six beautiful months with the Servants of Mary, and I wouldn't trade that time for the world. But now it's time for me to be home. I'm excited to see what the Lord has planned for me.

One of my biggest blessings has been to be back with my family in time for the birth of my new baby brother, Adrian. He is so tiny and cute, you guys! He's so quiet, too. I'm used to having fussy siblings, but so far, he's been so chill. Let's hope that's one thing that doesn't change in a few months!

I'm so happy to be back. I didn't know if I would ever have a chance to connect with you guys again, and now I do. I'm so thankful that God gives me what I need at the right times.

So let's talk! How are you all? I know how much can change in half a year. How has life treated you? How has the Lord blessed you and shown you He loves you? Can't wait to hear from you!

- Maddie

So Long, Farewell

Dear friends,

I have some news for you all, and it is a bit bittersweet.

In January this year, I had the pleasure of meeting the Servants of Mary, Ministers to the Sick. They are an order of religious sisters whose ministry is a kind of hospice care: they go to the homes of the sick and the dying and give them overnight care in their last days. I was drawn to this ministry and to the joy that these sisters have. The vocations director for the order invited me to stay a few days at the convent to experience their daily life and their ministry. It was a very blessed time. It was funny because I actually ended up staying an extra night - my car had to go to the repair shop and the sisters drove an hour and a half to get me home! They joked that it was like the Sound of Music when the sisters sabotage the Nazis' cars. :)

After much prayer and discernment, I decided to apply to the order and was accepted at the end of this past July. On Friday, September 1st I will enter the postulancy! I am excited for this new adventure with Jesus. I still have a long way to go in my discernment, and I would appreciate very much any prayers you could offer for me. You will be in mine.

It has been such a joy to write here in this, my little piece of the internet. I won't delete this blog, but please be aware that I will not have access to the internet for at least a year or possibly more than that. I don't know if I will take up writing on here again, but thank you for reading my past posts and this one now. I am happy that I could share this time with you and I'm so grateful to everyone who took the time to read the random things I talked about here.

I didn't think it would be right to end without including one of my writings. I wrote this in my first attempt at long free verse which is a continuing story. I moved back in with my family at the beginning 

of June, and this was inspired by my time spent with my family these past few months.

Dad calls across the long
field of grass,
waving in the warm evening breeze,
for me to bring the van around.
The big purple van with
fifteen seats, which is older than
me.

The van is
easy to maneuver around in,
even through the waist high grass,
even though I have not driven it
in almost a year.
I learned to drive
in this van.
My hands fit comfortably around the
steering wheel,
as I pull around the yard
to the back.

Dad motions me forward as I pull up
to where he is standing
out by the lagoon 

with the tractor.
The cardinal red tractor that doesn’t stay running
for more than half an hour
before needing a jump again.

I pop the hood for him and then
roll down my window and
stick my elbow out and then
rest my chin on my arm and
look at the sunset that is staining the northwest sky
a clear orange; there is only a taste of darkness
and it is already eight o’clock.

My mind drifts
and I think how only a week ago I was
working at the old folks’ home
two hours away from here,
getting them ready for bed,
training the new girl who was to take my
place;
how when I got off work and went
straight home
to my one bedroom apartment,
I was completely
alone.

Tonight I’ll share a room with my two
sisters, and a bed with
the youngest,
and
I will be more comfortable than I was
last week.

I look up when the rumble of the
old tractor engine starts;
the vibrating sound is so deep
it seems to
move through my bones like an instrument.

Dad unhooks the cables from the
tractor and motions for
me to take the ones off the battery
on the van.
He hops on
the cardinal red lawn mower
before it decides it isn’t up for
the job, and I
slam the hood of the big purple van and
jump back up into the driver’s seat,
jumper cables in tow.

I swing the van around again 

to where it was parked before, 

and greet the dog with the orange and white patches
and let her kiss my hands,
and praise my little sister, who is riding her tricycle
and head inside and let my mother know
the tractor started on
the first try.

***

Dad works on the
grass every night this week
and little by little,
our yard looks less like it belongs to a house
we were away from for a year,
and better than it did
before we left.

I don’t feel as if I’ve ever been gone,
but at the same time,
I know I’ve changed.
It’s like
waking up from a dream
and suddenly being wiser
than you were before.

And maybe you miss it a little bit now,
but at the same time,
you know you were not meant to
stay in your dream forever,
but to wake up and use the
wisdom you’ve acquired
and not let it waste.

I give my best wishes to you all. And now, for what may be the last time,

- Maddie

Love is Not Selfish

Do you know which people I admire most? The ones who want something so badly, but who have the self control to keep themselves from doing it. Respect for others and for themselves. And I think that is one thing the world today would do best to remember - at the end of the day, the world does not just comprise of you and your significant other. Just because you want to do something or feel passionately about something does not make it right to follow through on it. You may very well wish to have an affair, or elope, or hurt someone who has wronged you, but that does not make it all right to do. The people who want something and who know they could have it if they tried, but who realize it is not the right thing to do and don't do it are the people I would trust with anything.

I have four different examples from movies and books on this subject. The only thing I must warn you about is that the whole rest of the post is basically spoilers. So just beware. I'll write it again, just in case you skim this paragraph.

*Spoiler Alert*

via Pinterest

I can't tell you how much I love the last scene of Roman Holiday. Princess Anne and Joe Bradley both know they could forsake their duties and obligations in the name of love, but choose to stay in the places where they are needed. Mr. Bradley has everything that he needs to get back on his feet right in his hands, and he chooses to sacrifice that in order to do the honorable thing and respect the life of another. The last thing the princess wants to do is continue training as the heir to the throne, but she knows that is her role in life and accepts it. They could very well have run off with each other, but it would have been an act of selfishness, and they know it wouldn't have been right.

via Pinterest

In Downton Abbey, John Bates has obstacle after obstacle in trying to get a divorce from his unfaithful wife. His new love, Anna Smith, tells him several times that she would gladly become his mistress if he wanted her to. He says, “I know you, Anna Smith, and I love you, and that is not the right path for you. It won’t be long now.”

via Pinterest

Jane Eyre doesn't know Mr. Rochester has a living wife when she falls in love with him. They are literally standing at the altar, only a few words away from becoming husband and wife, when she learns the truth. He begs her to stay with him, and she could easily have done so; but she follows her conscience and leaves his house, putting the temptation behind her, although her heart is breaking and she has absolutely nowhere to go. Eventually, everything works out for them, and I'm sure they were both glad they waited.

via Pinterest

In The Golden Thread, Uli von der Flue, a Swiss mercenary, falls in love with the girl Juanita, who is accompanying him on his journey. You would think that he would have low morals as he is a mercenary, but instead of taking advantage of her or even letting her know that he is in love with her, he gets her safely to where she needs to go and makes his own way home. She also loves him and can't understand why they can't get married. It turns out that he has a wife back home, and believes he must remain faithful to her, even though she married someone else when she thought he'd died. When she passes away, Uli is able to go back to Juanita with a clear conscience.







I like having examples of these things, because it is a testament to the good parts of human nature. Even though we have to fight against that part of us that says to only think about ourselves, it is still a fight we can win. It can be extremely hard at the time, but when you look back on it later in life, I know you'll be glad that the decision you made was not sinful and selfish.

What do you guys think? Can you think of more examples from literature or movies/shows? Or even history? Have you read/watched the books and shows from my list? Which is your favorite?

- Maddie

When Monsters Fall in Love

I wanted to share some writing because I haven't in a while. I wrote this in a coffee shop in a small suburb of London where Mia and I used trusty old Pinterest to find inspiration.

"Monsters fall in love, too."
via Pinterest

We're all touched by things. Funny how even someone with the darkest soul can be affected by beauty, or attached to people or places or pets or posessions. The thing is that most people don't enjoy inflicting pain or doing damage just for the pure sake of it. It's that they grow too attached to the wrong idea or person and don't care who they hurt in the process of trying to hang on to it as long as possible. They think they're doing "good," in a sense: either for themselves or for the people they're trying to keep. And if they do lose the thing that is precious to them, there is the danger of them becoming so hurt and disappointed and angry that they end up trying to express how they feel by attempting to make everyone around them feel the same. We all want everyone to understand how we are feeling and why. So really, it's no surprise that monsters fall in love, too - but rather that love, if sought after improperly or taken too far, can turn people into monsters.

I just realized that in my last post, I didn't really ask how you guys have been. #rude What have you guys been up to? Also, what are some posts you would like to see over the next few weeks? I have recently acquired quite a bit of time, so I will most likely be able to actually post every Tuesday, at least for a while. Let me know in the comments! It's good to be back!

Stay beautiful, guys!

- Maddie

The Importance of Friendship

Hey, guys! How is life? I have been super busy and doing exciting things since I last wrote. And by exciting I mean I SPENT TWO WEEKS IN EUROPE WITH MY BEST FRIENDS FOR EASTER BREAK! I still can't quite believe it. It had been a dream of mine to visit Europe, especially with my friends, and I can't get over the fact that I've actually set foot there. I mean like, my body was actually walking around in London. Oh, and don't freak out, but my best friend and I went walking around London on my last day and we went to this market area and it was cool and stuff. And then I watched season 4 of Sherlock a few weeks after I got home, and I noticed that they shot a scene in the same marketplace that we visited! Yeah, I was pretty psyched!

Ahhh, England, I miss you. I miss the tube and the pubs and how still the nights were because not a shop was open. I miss the coffee shops and the parks and galleries and the walks. I miss how everything seemed so sophisticated and when I came back home I realized how rough and rugged home seemed. I miss the accents that made me feel like I was stepping into any audio book ever made or a gothic romance novel. And of course, I miss my friends. The ones I've known for almost half my life, and the new friends I made while I was there. I miss that I can never go back to those moments, but it's okay because I'm happy that I was able to experience them.

Mia, thank you for going into a pub and ordering chips and ice cream with me. Thank you for spending two hours on the first step of our hiking directions because something nobody can accuse us of is having too little determination. Thank you for navigating way better than I could, even though it must have been stressful. Thank you for talking out our feelings with each other without getting into fights. Thank you for waking up at 4 in the morning and literally running through the airport with me so that I could make my plane. Thank you for being the best friend I could ever hope for.

Ellie, thank you for cutting my hair, and for always asking if I was okay. Thank you for  being a holy woman of God and for understanding. Thank you for being my eyes when I literally couldn't see. ;)

via Pinterest

I watched the last season of Sherlock after my trip and, my word, it left me with so many feels. You can see all throughout the show how Sherlock goes from being an arrogant, selfish person with no friends, to having friends but still being selfish, to learning how people work and interact with each other and trying to emulate them. And then finally in the last season, we see how much Sherlock really cares. He is willing to put himself in harm’s way to help the people he loves. Even some of his gestures that would seem rude, are his way of showing care. For example, he tells John and Lestrade that he’s going to take a cab on his own and that they’ll have to catch another one. When they ask him why, he says, “Because I need to think, and I don’t want to hurt you.”

via Pinterest

I think a lot of this show is focused on human behavior. No matter how much we may think we are different, we all need relatively the same things. People who try to function on their own, quite frankly, cannot. We fall apart on our own. As much as we want people to think we don’t care that much about them, we do.

I've found that I need people. I don't know how dry and starving I am until I go a long time without conversation and then finally have one again. With someone who really cares about what I'm saying, who doesn't give the impression that I'm talking too much or bothering them. But the time is never enough, and I'm always afraid that if I ask for more, I will be asking them for too much. That it will ruin the good that we had and I will give the impression that I'm clingy. Or that I will find out that they don't care about me as much as I do about them. I think that's one of my biggest fears. Finding out that the attachment or bond I have with someone isn't as strong as I think it is. I'm afraid to move away, to trade the good I have now for something better because it's still a good that I will lose. I don't want people to think that they aren't important to me. But I'm scared that if we move apart they won't think of me at all. My greatest fear is forgetting people and memories, and people forgetting me.

We all need to be needed. We need other people, and we need them to need us. There is no human in history who has ever functioned well without having someone who could understand them, or who they could relate to. It's impossible for us to live isolated lives. But that's what we spend most of our lives saying - "I don't need help." Essentially, we push away what we need. We damage ourselves. That's why you should take all the help you can get and give all the help you can give.

via Pinterest

We’re never going to make it through this life alone. Even Jesus had friends. He had over 12. He didn’t do his ministry on his own. That’s why good Christian fellowship is so important. Have friends who inspire you, who push you, but who will also be there to listen in the times when you fail, or who buy chips and ice cream in a pub with you, or who ask if you're okay, or who make sure you never miss your prayer time. I'm telling you, those kind of people are the best you could hope for.

via Pinterest

- Maddie

Thoughts of Love //Conclusion

And so, it comes to an end. This is the final post in this series. Reading it now, this one is kinda-not-really about love. I guess it's more of what I've noticed about life recently... Or really, what I've come to appreciate and love about some of the realities of life. If you want to read the other parts, here is Part One, Part Two, and Part Three. So, here goes:

i guess i'm realizing that some things only i know.
and there are things that only someone else knows.
and there are secret worlds inside of us.
and when we're on our own, we are still completely different from the person we are when we are with our families or our friends or our coworkers.
and it scares me.
there are things that no one will ever know about each other.
we might think that people know it, or it doesn't occur to us that they don't,
because we've lived with ourselves always.
but people might not ever know that i have a crush on so-and-so.
or that i look up practically everything i don't know the meaning of.
or that i've written stories that no one will ever see.

we're all so complex.
and if that's what i know about me that no one else does,
what's inside everyone else?
should we share everything?
or should we keep some little things to ourselves forever and ever
and let the secrets die with us?

we are truly fearfully and wonderfully made.
i'm thankful for this life.


Thank you so much for reading, everyone, and for having patience with me! I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments! Also, I will have a review of last year posted soon, so stay tuned. :)

- Maddie

Thoughts of Love // Part Three

I'm having trouble writing the introduction to this one. I'm not sure why. I guess I think the poem (or whatever you want to call it) itself says pretty much all that I want to say in this post. This part three is mostly about relationships, and about how we sometimes push our true feelings aside when someone asks us how we are, and instead of saying, "I'm not doing too well today. I'm having trouble with...etc.," we say, "I'm fine, how are you?" and don't even expect the other person to answer any different, either. I feel like I do this way too often in my relationships. I tell my coworkers a story and want them to say, "Whoa, that's so cool," but when they tell me a story in return, I try to act like it doesn't affect me, even if it does. I'm not sure why I do that, and I hate it. I don't want anyone to react to me in that, "Cool, but I'm not really interested," way. I like to make people laugh, or feel excited, or gasp in amazement about something that happened to me. I don't always give them the same response, though, and it's not fair. This is something I want to work on. I can't expect to receive something that I have no intention of giving in return. This poem is about wanting to feel something, anything different than the same ol', same ol' feeling that grabs us every so often, and about how maybe we can pull ourselves out of it.

Have you ever wanted to feel 
something different, 
however uncomfortable?

Do you miss your toes tingling
from cold, wrapped in a blanket,
trying to get warm,
and out of nowhere a shiver
shaking your shoulders?

Do you press on your
bruise, not really to see if it
still hurts;
you know it does.
But the dull throb intrigues you?

Do you feel the pull to a new
relationship, and know in your heart
that it won't end the way you'd like it,
but still plunge yourself into it
as deeply as you can,
though it'll mean the pain 
will be that much greater
when it falls apart?

You're human.

We try to tell ourselves we don't care about what happens to us so that we can be more interested in other people. 

But if you aren't excited about what you did today, how can you be excited about someone else's life? 

And when other people aren't interested in each other, we get depressed, because what meaning does our life have if no one appreciates it, not even ourselves?

But the thing is, we're all just pretending.

We do care about our lives and we care about other people. 

We just don't want them to know it. 

Because somehow it's become cool to pretend like nothing phases you, your life is in control, and you don't need emotions, whether sad or joyful, to knock you off balance.

What a lie.

You get bored of anything if you do it too much. 

One of these days, we'll get tired of pretending and share ourselves with each other.


What are your thoughts on this part three? How are you feeling about life at this time? Excited? Anxious? Just kind of blah? I think I'm currently all three at this time, to be honest. :) As always, thanks for reading, please comment below, and have a great week!

- Maddie

Thoughts of Love // Part Two

This next part might be hard to think about, at first. For me, though, it goes along the lines of love being selfless. 

"Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful.... Love does not insist on its own way." (1 Cor 13:4-5, RSV) 

All too often, we are told that to be in love means pining after someone, and not resting or feeling a moment's peace until they are with us. We see in movies and shows people trying to sabotage their "true love's" relationships, or even just trying to win them over while they're in a relationship with someone else so that their loved one will realize that the person is "the one for them." But think about that. If you really love someone, you want them to be happy. And since when do we know what will make another person truly happy? Maybe they would be happier with someone other than us. What makes us happy is not always going to make someone else happy. Not to say that we can't be sad if someone we love doesn't return the feeling. It does hurt. But I think that if we truly love a person, we will be happy for them no matter what they choose, as long as it's not a harmful decision. We will respect their relationships; we won't flirt with our crush when they are already with someone else, etc. To me, that shows the person more love and respect than it does when we throw ourselves at them and try to show them that we're so much better than whoever they're with.

Let's be respectful to each other, and truly love each other.

is there any way to describe wanting to be together with someone, but also being happy when they're with another?

you know you love them and they might never know, but that's okay.

you love them so much that you just want the best for them, no matter what that may be.

you know you should be jealous, but why force a wrong feeling when you can just be grateful that they're happy?

Do you agree with me? Or do I just not understand what it's like to be in love? Chat with me in the comments below! And, as always, thank you so much for reading, everyone!

- Maddie

Thoughts of Love // Part One

So, here goes another apology:

I'm so sorry that I never stick to my schedule, even when I say I'm going to. You guys don't deserve that.

I'm also going to say right now that there are times when I simply cannot write. The words won't come out, or if they do, they don't come out how I want them to, and I would rather you have nothing to read than say something that I really want to say in words that don't describe exactly what I really mean. I don't want to have to say, "You know a few weeks ago when I mentioned such-and-such? Okay, now I've thought of a better way to explain it."

So, that's why I haven't been posting lately. I'm not going to promise that there will be a post every Tuesday, but I'm also not going to say that I won't have a post schedule at all. So, let's just say that when I do post, it will be on Tuesdays, whether that be 3 Tuesdays in a row or 5 Tuesdays apart.

Now, Thoughts of Love // Part One

At first, I was going to combine a bunch of different thoughts about love all together in this post, but I think I'm going to make them into three or maybe more separate parts to be posted over the next few weeks; sometimes it's easier to process things in small bits instead of all at once. So here is part one. It wasn't meant to be a poem when I first wrote it: writing in short sentences on different lines helps me to process and write down my thoughts better. But then I realized that more of the lines rhymed than I'd thought, so it is practically a poem. :)

You don't always have to be the best.

It's not a competition to see

Who can show 

Who likes whom the most profoundly.

Is this love?

I think so.

I think it's being willing to do

Anything for the one you love,

And also being willing for them to do

Anything for you.

Love is me letting you be you

And you letting me be me

And neither of us feeling like we have to

Repay or outdo the other in 

Giving gifts or energy.

Have a great week, everyone! Thank you for reading. :)

- Maddie

Try

Hey, everyone! I'm sorry that I haven't posted for the last two Tuesdays :( Here's a poem to make it up to you (although, it probably won't cheer you up too well).

You didn't have to.

You didn't have to try to forget.

Now look what it's done to you.

It's the only thought in your head.

That's the problem with problems.

You try so hard to make them go away that they just stay.

Obsessions, obsessions.

Is that what happens?

You become over involved in everything that you do?

You have to stop.

You can't keep living this way.

But don't commit to that too seriously, either, for even that could go wrong.

I don't know what to do.

I can't help you in a way I know how.

You need help from someone who isn't me.

For your own good, the sooner you accept it, the better.

For all of us.

Thanks for reading! Stay awesome ♥

- Maddie

Time - MMC (July 11, 2016)

Four months, and thirteen days. There was a time when you thought there would never be a day that would go by when you wouldn't see each other, and now it's been over four months. A fire that spread in less than five minutes is to blame for this.

Thoughts of Ariel spin around in your mind as you pull your feet up onto the hard wooden chair where you are sitting and rest your head on your knees. The tears you didn't know you had inside you come rushing out, and you wrap your arms around the top of your knees, your left arm pressing into your forehead. Your fingers dig into your arms as you try to squeeze the pain out of your chest and pass it on to anywhere but there.

Minutes tick by. From just the sound of your wristwatch, you count the time that passes: seven minutes, fourteen seconds. Ariel used to think it was funny how you always knew exactly how much time was left until the bell would ring for the next class without even glancing at your watch... Your sobs start afresh from the remembrance, and you begin to rock back and forth, thinking maybe it will help you to regain your calm.

Your tears finally slow, and once you rub away the blur, you realize the thing you must do. Somehow, the thought of her watching from above as you play the music she taught you already calms you. Keeping in time, your fingers move across the burnt piano keys, growing less and less shaky with each note played. You feel the ache in your chest being released, and the thoughts of your friend slow in their spinning. Time ticks by, and you realize that there are two things the fire wasn't able to take from you: time, and her piano.

Hey, everyone! I haven't done a Monday's Minutes Challenge in forever, and it feels so good to write one again! I used the picture prompt this week and my story is 310 words. Thank you, Tessa, for hosting!

- Maddie

Music Love // September 2016

Hello, lovelies!

Happy Fall, first of all! This is an exciting time of the year. There is actually a chill in the air, which just started on Sunday. I can finally start wearing boots and flannels and sipping hot drinks!

Today, I'm going to share some music that I've recently been loving. I won't say much about it. I'll just let it speak for itself :) Tell me what you think!

- Maddie

A Video For You

FYI: The "today" I'm referring to is Sunday.

So, yeah, I wanted to try something new, and it was fun doing the video! It's not the best, but hopefully it was at least a little interesting. Was that how you guys pictured me acting in real life? ;)

Comment and let me know what you've been up to! I hope you all had a good week and that you'll have an even better rest of this week!

-Maddie

10 Picture Books I Would Unashamedly Read Now

Happy Tuesday, everyone!

How has your week been? I feel like it went by really fast. Anyway, today I'm linking up with Top Ten Tuesday for the theme "My Top Ten ALL TIME Favorite Books of X Genre," and giving you my top ten favorite picture books that I would still read today. Yeah, I know, it's not really a genre, but I figured if I did something like historical fiction, you guys would go, "Ugh, Maddie, we've heard you rant about Moon Over Manifest, The Golden Thread, Out of the Dust, etc. like 1,000 times, do you really need to tell us again?" So I decided to be nice and a little bit creative (cause that's always a good thing) and I came up with this.

Tea with Milk

Okay, so I pretty much adore this book. I think my mom read it to me and my siblings for school when I was like 9 or 10. It's about a Japanese girl who is born in America and feels at home here, but is homesick when she moves back to Japan. It's really interesting learning about the cultural differences. When the time comes for her to marry, her parents hire a matchmaker. She gets upset and decides to find her way on her own, and I believe she meets a man who had the same life situation and they get married and it's a really awesome biracial book with awesome prose. We used to own it and now we don't and I'm still sad that we don't have it, and I'm planning on buying it for myself soon because I'm still a child at heart... Wait, scratch that. You don't have to still be a child to like this book. C.S. Lewis said, "A children's story that can only be enjoyed by children is not a good children's story in the slightest." This is a good children's story, folks. As are all of the rest of the books on my list and you have to agree with me because my opinion is law. I'm going to buy this soon because it's a good book and you all can judge, but I don't care (and I don't think you would judge anyway). ;)

Love You Forever

Um, it's about loving your mom forever and moms loving their kids forever. What more could be said? I can still hear my mom's voice reading the words, and that just makes me really happy, but also kind of sad. I'll love my mommy forever. <3

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

So they made this into a movie a year or two ago, and it looks really cheesy and I'm upset. The book used to be one of my favorites when I was little. It's one of those that you can't remember a time when you first read it because your mom probably read it to you before you could remember (literally). It's a really cute book and I might consider buying this one, too, just because I think it would cheer me up when I'm having a bad day. It's funny because some of the things Alexander gets mad about are so trivial and silly, but if it were happening to me, I would probably not be having it either. So if you're having a bad day, reach for this book and I can pretty safely say you'll feel a little better after reading it.

The Berenstain Bears

Okay, I'm pretty sure I was still reading these when I was 12... yeah, yeah, I know. But these books have good lessons and the people er, bears in the stories actually take a while to come to conclusions. I mean the plot lasts longer than just two pages. Anyway, I guess I've pretty much always kept loving the things I loved in childhood, even if I had first read or watched it now I would not, you know what I mean? I mean I think I still love some things because I remember how much I used to love it when I was younger and I feel like it's a part of me and it's harder to tell myself I'm too old for it than to just keep liking it, even if it makes me look like a baby.

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

Look at that cover though. It's so super cute. It makes me really happy. It's about how a little mouse would become your friend if you gave him a cookie. That my friends is what I call adorable.

Fox In Sox

I'm not gonna lie, I first read this book like this year, I think. This is my one year old brother's favorite book, so if he was crying, I would be like, "Hey, Xav, do you want to read Fox In Sox?" and he would stop and be happy and go find the book and bring it to me and we would read it over and over, mostly through skipping around back and forth all around the pages. I would be reading it (which, if you don't know, is all tongue twisters) and he would just stop every once in a while and look at me and smile like everything that was coming out of my mouth was gibberish and he thought it was hilarious. So yeah, I love this book and I also need to get my own copy. By the way, I really miss my little brother right now.

Madeline

This is my name, of course this is gonna be on my list. Oh, it's actually pronounced differently, by the way. Mine is pronounced Madelyn and the character's is pronounced Madeline. I actually tried to get my parents to change the pronunciation when I was like 8 or 9 because I thought it would be cool. Idk, don't ask. But anyway, I had a lot of Madeline things when I was little. A Madeline barbie doll, a Christmas tree ornament, most of the books, a few of the TV show episodes, the movie... I think it's funny because Madeline the character is "the smallest one" and everyone is always commenting about how tiny I am. She also has a big scar from surgery and I do too. Aaaaanyway....

Blueberries for Sal

I actually don't remember much about this book, but I remember it is really adorable and since I don't remember it, that makes me want to find it and read it now.

Abel's Moon

This book is about a dad who travels and then tells his kids really awesome adventure stories. And then I think he builds them a secret fort thing where they can have their own adventures and pretend it's a spaceship or anything they want, and then when he comes home they can all tell each other stories. Basically, it's a book about a really awesome family who knows how to have fun.

Imagine a Night

I read this this year, I believe. The best thing about this book is the illustrations. If you look closely at the pictures, there are hidden people or faces, or the blanket on the bed looks like a field, etc. It's just really cool and creative.


So there it is, people! My favorite picture books of ever. Are any of yours on this list? Are you surprised that I actually came up with 10 books for a Top Ten Tuesday post this time? I hope you're having an awesome week!

Also, I have been changing a few little things on my blog, and I was wondering what you thought about the new look. Any suggestions?

Okay, peace out.

- Maddie

Facing Fears: Is Love Really Worth the Pain?

This is something I have been reflecting on a lot lately.

In the middle of August, I had the chance to visit my best friends one last time before they left for their mission in England. It was lovely. Soccer and walks and chocolate. Videos, 3 am talks, a concert, and ice cream. Not getting lost, just not finding our way. Rounding the traffic circle seven times before getting off on the right road. Talking in our sleep and laughing at each other. Sitting in silence and feeling comfortable because we've known one another for six years and we've been through just about everything together. Saying, "Well, I don't know about you, but you're pretty much my best friend." And the other rolling their eyes and responding, "Well, duh, you're my best friend, too." I had such a wonderful time, such a perfect balance of deep conversations mixed with silly nothings, that when I left, I left depressed. There was an overwhelming feeling of the people I was closest to outside of my family being separated from me across the ocean and the burning question in the back of my mind, "Will it ever be the same?" We're all growing up, finding our paths in life. What if the next time we see each other one of us or both of us have a boyfriend? What if we somehow grow apart? When will we even see each other next? Why do we never seem to get enough time with the person who understands us the best?

I've never regretted knowing and loving the people that I am closest to in my life. I've never wished I hadn't gotten to know someone as well as I have, or that we hadn't been so close. But after I got back from my visit, when I thought about the new relationships that I could be cultivating here in my new home, I had to ask myself, "Do I want the pain that's going to come with this later? Should I just leave things as they are and not try to make actual friends with people here, but just keep things casual? Should I love now and be hurt later, or be lonely now and it won't matter later? Is love worth the pain? I know I would think so if I really did come to love this person. But right now, while I have the chance to save us both the heartache, should I prevent it?"

It's tough to be always moving. I don't know how attached to get to one place. It may seem like we'll be there for a long time - that this will finally be the last place we'll move to for a few years, if not that we've finally found somewhere to settle permanently; but the reality is, it's probably not going to turn out that way, no matter how it may seem now. My family hasn't lived in one place for longer than a year since 2010. But the thing is, I've enjoyed pretty much every place we've lived since then, and I know that if I move somewhere else, I'll most likely enjoy it there, too. So the hard part is moving and leaving behind the ones you love in that place and not knowing if or when you will ever get the chance to see them again, but also knowing that if you stay where you are, you could be missing out on falling in love with more people and places, too.

It's also sometimes hard being an introvert. I think it takes us longer to get to know people and to open up ourselves, and I feel like a lot of the time when I am just starting to feel comfortable around people, that's when we leave.

After the trip, I wrote this in my journal, "Do I really want to live here for years? Is staying in one place for years and years something I'm capable of? I don't want to always be moving, but since I always am, it's hard to picture me not. And I wonder if I would be able to stand it.... I guess I'm feeling lonely right now. I mean, where do I really belong? I've never wished that I hadn't met any of my friends, but at the same time, it just makes everything so much more difficult. I want to make friends here, but which will be worse: the pain of having no one to talk to, or the ache when I have to leave? I want to live here for a long time, but I don't. I want to get to know people more closely, but if I don't stay, it will make it harder to leave. Or what if they leave? Ever since I can remember, I'm the one who has moved away. I've moved on and left them, and met new people and been to new places, and I miss the people I've left behind, but at least I have a distraction. They have to stay where they are and go on with their lives without me, and I don't know if I could stand to switch places because I'm sure people handle it better than I would.... I guess that's what I want to know. Is it better to not have as much love, and therefore not have as much hurt? Or does the love always outweigh the pain?"

I was really praying that God would speak to me. There are times that I want to hear clearly God's voice more than anything, and that was one of those days. I didn't get an answer when I opened the Bible, and I went about the day in a deep sadness. At work, during my lunch break, I was surprised to see that Mia was online at the same time I was, and we were able to talk until I had to go back to work. She asked me how I was, and I almost just replied with the typical, "Fine, how are you?" But I caught myself and decided to tell her what I was really feeling. Sometimes it feels weird saying things like that over the internet and not in person, but as she was already in England, that would not be happening soon.

So I asked her, "Should I make friends now and be sad later when I leave, or be lonely now and it won't matter later?" I didn't use the word "pain" at all.

When she wrote back, she said, "Don't be lonely now. That's my advice. I feel like the pain is worth it." 

Her choice of words answered exactly what I had asked for earlier in prayer, "Does love always outweigh the pain?" There was such an inexplicable feeling of comfort that came with having received an answer to my fear from God and my best friend at the same time.

A few days later, I wrote in my journal, "I've come to realize that with life there comes pain, no matter how you choose to live it. I would be hurt if no one loved me. If I was deliberately abused, I would of course be hurt, too. And if I love someone and they love me and we never see each other again, we will hurt then, the same. But if I choose the latter, at least I'll have some happiness, too. I'll have the joy of memories. I'll always look back and be glad I knew them instead of the nagging feeling in the back of my mind saying, 'What if I had?'

"Life, love, and pain go hand in hand, no matter how you choose to look at it. Therefore, the choice that stands is not, 'if' we should love, but 'how' we should give and receive it."

We all have these fears at some time or another, don't we? You obviously know now that I do. Have you ever felt this way? The funny thing is, if we all thought this way and then chose to not love so as not to be hurt, how would life go on? We would all be so afraid to step out and go to new places and meet new people because of the possibly of getting hurt later that we would miss out on so much.

So go ahead and make that step. Get to know that person better who you were afraid to become close to. We shouldn't become too attached to anyone or anything because it wouldn't be good for us to be completely crushed if something were to happen, but that 'maybe' shouldn't prevent us from creating good, strong relationships now.

I want to hear your thoughts on this subject. I want these topics to be things we can share with each other. Little heart to heart conversations. It's good to know that people have the same feelings; that you're not the only one who feels a certain way. Not that you're glad someone else is going through the same ugly situation, but that since they are, you're glad they didn't just keep it to themself and think that they were the only ones with that problem. I want Facing Fears to become a regular post topic, and hopefully will post one once a month. What do you guys think?

And to end, I wanted to share a poem I wrote before leaving my family in Montana. I haven't shared some of my writing in forever, so here's a bit for you. Thank you for being patient with me, and for all of your wonderful comments on my last post. You don't know how warm it made me feel inside. You all are wonderful.

(I had titled it Fears Forgotten, but I'm not sure if I think it fits the best, now. Oh, well.)

It's good to know

You will be missed;

To know your loneliness is 

Worth something.

Nice to have the words taken

Right out of your mouth:

"Call me."

"Write me."

"Keep in touch."

"Tell me everything."

"I'll see you soon, won't I?"

Easier to breathe once your fears are taken away.

Honey, you're friends.

Stop worrying.

Peace, everyone. Until next time.

- Maddie