Facing Fears: Is Love Really Worth the Pain?

This is something I have been reflecting on a lot lately.

In the middle of August, I had the chance to visit my best friends one last time before they left for their mission in England. It was lovely. Soccer and walks and chocolate. Videos, 3 am talks, a concert, and ice cream. Not getting lost, just not finding our way. Rounding the traffic circle seven times before getting off on the right road. Talking in our sleep and laughing at each other. Sitting in silence and feeling comfortable because we've known one another for six years and we've been through just about everything together. Saying, "Well, I don't know about you, but you're pretty much my best friend." And the other rolling their eyes and responding, "Well, duh, you're my best friend, too." I had such a wonderful time, such a perfect balance of deep conversations mixed with silly nothings, that when I left, I left depressed. There was an overwhelming feeling of the people I was closest to outside of my family being separated from me across the ocean and the burning question in the back of my mind, "Will it ever be the same?" We're all growing up, finding our paths in life. What if the next time we see each other one of us or both of us have a boyfriend? What if we somehow grow apart? When will we even see each other next? Why do we never seem to get enough time with the person who understands us the best?

I've never regretted knowing and loving the people that I am closest to in my life. I've never wished I hadn't gotten to know someone as well as I have, or that we hadn't been so close. But after I got back from my visit, when I thought about the new relationships that I could be cultivating here in my new home, I had to ask myself, "Do I want the pain that's going to come with this later? Should I just leave things as they are and not try to make actual friends with people here, but just keep things casual? Should I love now and be hurt later, or be lonely now and it won't matter later? Is love worth the pain? I know I would think so if I really did come to love this person. But right now, while I have the chance to save us both the heartache, should I prevent it?"

It's tough to be always moving. I don't know how attached to get to one place. It may seem like we'll be there for a long time - that this will finally be the last place we'll move to for a few years, if not that we've finally found somewhere to settle permanently; but the reality is, it's probably not going to turn out that way, no matter how it may seem now. My family hasn't lived in one place for longer than a year since 2010. But the thing is, I've enjoyed pretty much every place we've lived since then, and I know that if I move somewhere else, I'll most likely enjoy it there, too. So the hard part is moving and leaving behind the ones you love in that place and not knowing if or when you will ever get the chance to see them again, but also knowing that if you stay where you are, you could be missing out on falling in love with more people and places, too.

It's also sometimes hard being an introvert. I think it takes us longer to get to know people and to open up ourselves, and I feel like a lot of the time when I am just starting to feel comfortable around people, that's when we leave.

After the trip, I wrote this in my journal, "Do I really want to live here for years? Is staying in one place for years and years something I'm capable of? I don't want to always be moving, but since I always am, it's hard to picture me not. And I wonder if I would be able to stand it.... I guess I'm feeling lonely right now. I mean, where do I really belong? I've never wished that I hadn't met any of my friends, but at the same time, it just makes everything so much more difficult. I want to make friends here, but which will be worse: the pain of having no one to talk to, or the ache when I have to leave? I want to live here for a long time, but I don't. I want to get to know people more closely, but if I don't stay, it will make it harder to leave. Or what if they leave? Ever since I can remember, I'm the one who has moved away. I've moved on and left them, and met new people and been to new places, and I miss the people I've left behind, but at least I have a distraction. They have to stay where they are and go on with their lives without me, and I don't know if I could stand to switch places because I'm sure people handle it better than I would.... I guess that's what I want to know. Is it better to not have as much love, and therefore not have as much hurt? Or does the love always outweigh the pain?"

I was really praying that God would speak to me. There are times that I want to hear clearly God's voice more than anything, and that was one of those days. I didn't get an answer when I opened the Bible, and I went about the day in a deep sadness. At work, during my lunch break, I was surprised to see that Mia was online at the same time I was, and we were able to talk until I had to go back to work. She asked me how I was, and I almost just replied with the typical, "Fine, how are you?" But I caught myself and decided to tell her what I was really feeling. Sometimes it feels weird saying things like that over the internet and not in person, but as she was already in England, that would not be happening soon.

So I asked her, "Should I make friends now and be sad later when I leave, or be lonely now and it won't matter later?" I didn't use the word "pain" at all.

When she wrote back, she said, "Don't be lonely now. That's my advice. I feel like the pain is worth it." 

Her choice of words answered exactly what I had asked for earlier in prayer, "Does love always outweigh the pain?" There was such an inexplicable feeling of comfort that came with having received an answer to my fear from God and my best friend at the same time.

A few days later, I wrote in my journal, "I've come to realize that with life there comes pain, no matter how you choose to live it. I would be hurt if no one loved me. If I was deliberately abused, I would of course be hurt, too. And if I love someone and they love me and we never see each other again, we will hurt then, the same. But if I choose the latter, at least I'll have some happiness, too. I'll have the joy of memories. I'll always look back and be glad I knew them instead of the nagging feeling in the back of my mind saying, 'What if I had?'

"Life, love, and pain go hand in hand, no matter how you choose to look at it. Therefore, the choice that stands is not, 'if' we should love, but 'how' we should give and receive it."

We all have these fears at some time or another, don't we? You obviously know now that I do. Have you ever felt this way? The funny thing is, if we all thought this way and then chose to not love so as not to be hurt, how would life go on? We would all be so afraid to step out and go to new places and meet new people because of the possibly of getting hurt later that we would miss out on so much.

So go ahead and make that step. Get to know that person better who you were afraid to become close to. We shouldn't become too attached to anyone or anything because it wouldn't be good for us to be completely crushed if something were to happen, but that 'maybe' shouldn't prevent us from creating good, strong relationships now.

I want to hear your thoughts on this subject. I want these topics to be things we can share with each other. Little heart to heart conversations. It's good to know that people have the same feelings; that you're not the only one who feels a certain way. Not that you're glad someone else is going through the same ugly situation, but that since they are, you're glad they didn't just keep it to themself and think that they were the only ones with that problem. I want Facing Fears to become a regular post topic, and hopefully will post one once a month. What do you guys think?

And to end, I wanted to share a poem I wrote before leaving my family in Montana. I haven't shared some of my writing in forever, so here's a bit for you. Thank you for being patient with me, and for all of your wonderful comments on my last post. You don't know how warm it made me feel inside. You all are wonderful.

(I had titled it Fears Forgotten, but I'm not sure if I think it fits the best, now. Oh, well.)

It's good to know

You will be missed;

To know your loneliness is 

Worth something.

Nice to have the words taken

Right out of your mouth:

"Call me."

"Write me."

"Keep in touch."

"Tell me everything."

"I'll see you soon, won't I?"

Easier to breathe once your fears are taken away.

Honey, you're friends.

Stop worrying.

Peace, everyone. Until next time.

- Maddie

In Which I Come Back From Hibernation

Hello, everyone!

No, I didn't die.

Thanks for your concern.

I'm really sorry for the pain you've been going through not knowing when and/or if I was going to post again.

Nothing tragic has happened to keep me from blogging except for maybe living an adult life. I just haven't had much time, and when I have, I have preferred to use that time to relax my frazzled mind.

Did you know it was my blog's first birthday on July 16th, and I didn't even have a party for it? I know. Shame on me. I'm a terrible parent. No, I really do feel bad. Other bloggers have awesome celebrations planned for their blogs which sometimes go for a week, and they'll have tags, and giveaways for their followers (cause you can't really give your blog a gift, so giving one to the people who support you and your blog is the next best thing), etc. I did not even acknowledge my blog, say thank you to any of you, or even post in like a month. So I'm saying it now: Thank you all so much. You all mean a lot to me. I mean it. It means a lot that you read what I have to say and take time to say that you read it and that you have opinions on what I have to say, as well.

Guys, I'm really sorry. I want you to stay. I want to have things to talk about. I don't want to slip away from posting for so long that I think that no one will be interested if I do decide to post again. I don't want to have a reason to think, "It's too late, now." I feel like I've been a bad blogger, and I want to have a more consistent schedule and really try to stick to it. I've already lost one follower, and I don't want to lose you, too.

I really haven't even been writing fiction, so don't feel left out. My creative side has really been placed on the back burner because work has kind of been burning me out. I really hate it. Not work; I love my job. I hate not having inspiration. It's like I have no inspiration, but I don't even want it/am not even looking for it, but I want to want it and I hate that I don't. I don't want to lose the writer in me. I want to always feel the need to write. I don't know why I don't right now and it bothers me. I guess I need to try to write and the more I do the more inspired I will be.

So life has been really interesting. I've been making new friends. I've been finding my own clothing style. I got my hair cut a different way than I have before. I've been finding new music and movies and shows. I've been figuring out that the stuff my mom used to tell me was healthy for me actually does make me feel good when I eat it instead of when I eat crap. I've been driving all around and having to make my own decisions about what events to say yes to and what to pass up on. I've turned down a relationship. I've said goodbye to my best friends and hoped that I will see them before a year is up. I've had to budget. I've been doing spiritual direction with my priest friend and have to dig and find my weaknesses and my flaws and my sins and try to figure out what will help me overcome them. I've had to push my introverted self to socialize when I don't feel like it because I know I'll be thankful that I did later. I've been learning my limits and finding when I do need alone time. I've been learning who I am as a person and it's a hard journey but I'm glad that I have this opportunity.

I've had a lot of time to think since I've been on my own. I have some thoughts that I want to share, and which I will try to put into words worthy of reading and post soon.

I have approximately two minutes before my alarm rings and I'll have to get ready for work, so I'm going to have to wrap this up quick. I'm really happy to be back, and I have a few post ideas. I will always appreciate receiving requests from you guys about what to post about, so if you have any ideas, please let me know! I love you guys, and I'll see you next Tuesday!

P.S. Maybe we should start planning my blog's second birthday now?

- Maddie

There and Back... and There and Back Again: The Current Story of My Crazy Life

Hello, my wonderful circle of friends! 

First off, how is everyone's summer so far? Congrats to the people who have graduated high school (like I have) and good luck for the fall, everyone, whether you're starting college, or another year of high school, or even middle school! And to those of us who are going to take a while off from school and take a breather, or just work, that's awesome, too!

So this post is about what's happening in my life right now. Because I keep saying that I'm going to write a post soon about this thing that happened the other day, or what I did yesterday, but I never follow through, and I have way too much that I could catch up on, and I would never get to this current point in life. So I've been thinking that I'm going to have to write a big recap post at the end of the year and tell all about the wonderful little things that have happened that I never had the chance to write about before. Sound good? And then next year, maybe I'll be able to start posting monthly wrap-ups. Your thoughts?

And now the actual post.

So, as you probably remember from this post, I started my first job at the beginning of April. Well, at the time that I took it, I knew that there was a slight possibility that my family would be moving away on another mission. But we were not 100% sure at the time, and I needed to have a way to pay back some people I owed (aka my parents), so I took it anyway. The first few days on the job, were terribly stressful. Switching my body over from days to nights was part of it. The other part was that there is so much pressure that comes with being a nurse aide because someone could literally die if you're not careful. Not to mention this was my first job, haha. 

Anyway, my co-workers were really amazing (shout out to C, J, D, M, A, and R, if you guys are somehow reading this), and helped me with little things that I probably should have known how to do but was too scared to do on my own. Their willingness to help was definitely what made me overcome my fear of accidentally killing someone, and I came to love my job and all the residents, even though working nights was still exhausting. That being said, it was heartbreaking when I found out that my family was indeed going to move after all. I had only been working there for about a month. I had just gotten down the residents' schedules. I was getting used to their personalities and their individual preferences, which could be so different and interesting to work with. I was just beginning to get really comfortable with my co-workers (I'm an introvert, and it takes time for me to open up to people). But for some reason, God didn't want me to continue on there. I am so grateful that He allowed me to have the job at that nursing home as my first. I learned so many things under the kind influence of people who were patient with me that I know I wouldn't have learned anywhere else. It was the perfect facility for me to learn at exactly what it takes to be a CNA.

So then, I graduated on May 21st! I still can't quite believe it. How did I grow up so fast?

You hope and wait for years and years for something, and then just when you're not thinking about it, it comes and surprises you out of nowhere. Anyway, I participated in my homeschool group's Mass and graduation ceremony - there were only five total of us Seniors! It was very nice, though. Lots of family and my best friends were there, and that's all I asked for :) Also, wow, people are generous when it comes to graduation gifts. Thanks so much, if any of you are reading this! And Mom and Dad, especially! I was so not expecting this, but... they gave me a laptop! I'm so blessed :D

    

 

           

             

Now comes the big news.

My family is serving at an Indian Reservation, and I am currently with them. We just arrived last week. However, a couple of weeks before we moved up here, my aunt had felt guided by the Holy Spirit to offer me a place to stay with her, so I could keep my CNA license in the State in which I was certified and not have to transfer it to the new State. We also didn't know if there would be any nursing homes hiring in the area where we would be living on the reservation. So a few days before the move, I interviewed at a nursing home in the town where I would live with my aunt, but I wouldn't find out whether or not I had gotten the position until after the move. I was still planning on going with my family to help settle in, and if I didn't get the job, I would obviously stay with them. 

Well, it turns out I did get the job.

And now I'm really scared because I'll be leaving my family for the first time. I'm going to be starting work at a new place, and I don't know if I'll get along wonderfully with my new co-workers or if it will be a less than pleasing experience. This facility is going to be twice the size of the one that I am used to, and I've never worked full-time on the day shift (praise God, though. I don't think I would do it if it were nights). I'll have bills to pay for the first time. I know that this is God's plan for me, I'm just scared about taking the step and heading into a new stage of life where I have absolutely no idea what could happen. I am moving in with my aunt and starting the new job in the middle of this month, so prayers would be so, so comforting.

In the meantime, I've been having a wonderful time here with my family, and I'm going to miss them and our mission partners and our parish priest so much! I feel like this is the perfect mission post for them, and am so excited to see what God has in store! 

Here are a few pictures that I've taken in the past few weeks. They include ones taken up until last Saturday!

           

        

                   

In conclusion

I've been a lot of places in the past two months. I went with my Dad to visit the Indian Reservation in April, and then came back home. After we decided that we did want to move to that mission, my aunt offered me a place to stay with her. I then had an interview at a facility in her city and stayed with her for a few days to see how I would like it if I did end up coming back to live with her after the move with my family to the mission. We traveled up here and have been at the mission for 10 days. The facility I interviewed with called me a week ago and offered me the job, so I'll be heading back to live with my aunt and start the job in the middle of this month. Hence, there and back, and there and back again (now that I read it, it should have been three times, but that would have been too long of a title anyway). I'm nervous but excited to see what God has next for me! Please pray for me as I start out on this new adventure, and I will be praying for you and whatever plans God has for you!

- Maddie