So Long, Farewell

Dear friends,

I have some news for you all, and it is a bit bittersweet.

In January this year, I had the pleasure of meeting the Servants of Mary, Ministers to the Sick. They are an order of religious sisters whose ministry is a kind of hospice care: they go to the homes of the sick and the dying and give them overnight care in their last days. I was drawn to this ministry and to the joy that these sisters have. The vocations director for the order invited me to stay a few days at the convent to experience their daily life and their ministry. It was a very blessed time. It was funny because I actually ended up staying an extra night - my car had to go to the repair shop and the sisters drove an hour and a half to get me home! They joked that it was like the Sound of Music when the sisters sabotage the Nazis' cars. :)

After much prayer and discernment, I decided to apply to the order and was accepted at the end of this past July. On Friday, September 1st I will enter the postulancy! I am excited for this new adventure with Jesus. I still have a long way to go in my discernment, and I would appreciate very much any prayers you could offer for me. You will be in mine.

It has been such a joy to write here in this, my little piece of the internet. I won't delete this blog, but please be aware that I will not have access to the internet for at least a year or possibly more than that. I don't know if I will take up writing on here again, but thank you for reading my past posts and this one now. I am happy that I could share this time with you and I'm so grateful to everyone who took the time to read the random things I talked about here.

I didn't think it would be right to end without including one of my writings. I wrote this in my first attempt at long free verse which is a continuing story. I moved back in with my family at the beginning 

of June, and this was inspired by my time spent with my family these past few months.

Dad calls across the long
field of grass,
waving in the warm evening breeze,
for me to bring the van around.
The big purple van with
fifteen seats, which is older than
me.

The van is
easy to maneuver around in,
even through the waist high grass,
even though I have not driven it
in almost a year.
I learned to drive
in this van.
My hands fit comfortably around the
steering wheel,
as I pull around the yard
to the back.

Dad motions me forward as I pull up
to where he is standing
out by the lagoon 

with the tractor.
The cardinal red tractor that doesn’t stay running
for more than half an hour
before needing a jump again.

I pop the hood for him and then
roll down my window and
stick my elbow out and then
rest my chin on my arm and
look at the sunset that is staining the northwest sky
a clear orange; there is only a taste of darkness
and it is already eight o’clock.

My mind drifts
and I think how only a week ago I was
working at the old folks’ home
two hours away from here,
getting them ready for bed,
training the new girl who was to take my
place;
how when I got off work and went
straight home
to my one bedroom apartment,
I was completely
alone.

Tonight I’ll share a room with my two
sisters, and a bed with
the youngest,
and
I will be more comfortable than I was
last week.

I look up when the rumble of the
old tractor engine starts;
the vibrating sound is so deep
it seems to
move through my bones like an instrument.

Dad unhooks the cables from the
tractor and motions for
me to take the ones off the battery
on the van.
He hops on
the cardinal red lawn mower
before it decides it isn’t up for
the job, and I
slam the hood of the big purple van and
jump back up into the driver’s seat,
jumper cables in tow.

I swing the van around again 

to where it was parked before, 

and greet the dog with the orange and white patches
and let her kiss my hands,
and praise my little sister, who is riding her tricycle
and head inside and let my mother know
the tractor started on
the first try.

***

Dad works on the
grass every night this week
and little by little,
our yard looks less like it belongs to a house
we were away from for a year,
and better than it did
before we left.

I don’t feel as if I’ve ever been gone,
but at the same time,
I know I’ve changed.
It’s like
waking up from a dream
and suddenly being wiser
than you were before.

And maybe you miss it a little bit now,
but at the same time,
you know you were not meant to
stay in your dream forever,
but to wake up and use the
wisdom you’ve acquired
and not let it waste.

I give my best wishes to you all. And now, for what may be the last time,

- Maddie

The Importance of Friendship

Hey, guys! How is life? I have been super busy and doing exciting things since I last wrote. And by exciting I mean I SPENT TWO WEEKS IN EUROPE WITH MY BEST FRIENDS FOR EASTER BREAK! I still can't quite believe it. It had been a dream of mine to visit Europe, especially with my friends, and I can't get over the fact that I've actually set foot there. I mean like, my body was actually walking around in London. Oh, and don't freak out, but my best friend and I went walking around London on my last day and we went to this market area and it was cool and stuff. And then I watched season 4 of Sherlock a few weeks after I got home, and I noticed that they shot a scene in the same marketplace that we visited! Yeah, I was pretty psyched!

Ahhh, England, I miss you. I miss the tube and the pubs and how still the nights were because not a shop was open. I miss the coffee shops and the parks and galleries and the walks. I miss how everything seemed so sophisticated and when I came back home I realized how rough and rugged home seemed. I miss the accents that made me feel like I was stepping into any audio book ever made or a gothic romance novel. And of course, I miss my friends. The ones I've known for almost half my life, and the new friends I made while I was there. I miss that I can never go back to those moments, but it's okay because I'm happy that I was able to experience them.

Mia, thank you for going into a pub and ordering chips and ice cream with me. Thank you for spending two hours on the first step of our hiking directions because something nobody can accuse us of is having too little determination. Thank you for navigating way better than I could, even though it must have been stressful. Thank you for talking out our feelings with each other without getting into fights. Thank you for waking up at 4 in the morning and literally running through the airport with me so that I could make my plane. Thank you for being the best friend I could ever hope for.

Ellie, thank you for cutting my hair, and for always asking if I was okay. Thank you for  being a holy woman of God and for understanding. Thank you for being my eyes when I literally couldn't see. ;)

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I watched the last season of Sherlock after my trip and, my word, it left me with so many feels. You can see all throughout the show how Sherlock goes from being an arrogant, selfish person with no friends, to having friends but still being selfish, to learning how people work and interact with each other and trying to emulate them. And then finally in the last season, we see how much Sherlock really cares. He is willing to put himself in harm’s way to help the people he loves. Even some of his gestures that would seem rude, are his way of showing care. For example, he tells John and Lestrade that he’s going to take a cab on his own and that they’ll have to catch another one. When they ask him why, he says, “Because I need to think, and I don’t want to hurt you.”

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I think a lot of this show is focused on human behavior. No matter how much we may think we are different, we all need relatively the same things. People who try to function on their own, quite frankly, cannot. We fall apart on our own. As much as we want people to think we don’t care that much about them, we do.

I've found that I need people. I don't know how dry and starving I am until I go a long time without conversation and then finally have one again. With someone who really cares about what I'm saying, who doesn't give the impression that I'm talking too much or bothering them. But the time is never enough, and I'm always afraid that if I ask for more, I will be asking them for too much. That it will ruin the good that we had and I will give the impression that I'm clingy. Or that I will find out that they don't care about me as much as I do about them. I think that's one of my biggest fears. Finding out that the attachment or bond I have with someone isn't as strong as I think it is. I'm afraid to move away, to trade the good I have now for something better because it's still a good that I will lose. I don't want people to think that they aren't important to me. But I'm scared that if we move apart they won't think of me at all. My greatest fear is forgetting people and memories, and people forgetting me.

We all need to be needed. We need other people, and we need them to need us. There is no human in history who has ever functioned well without having someone who could understand them, or who they could relate to. It's impossible for us to live isolated lives. But that's what we spend most of our lives saying - "I don't need help." Essentially, we push away what we need. We damage ourselves. That's why you should take all the help you can get and give all the help you can give.

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We’re never going to make it through this life alone. Even Jesus had friends. He had over 12. He didn’t do his ministry on his own. That’s why good Christian fellowship is so important. Have friends who inspire you, who push you, but who will also be there to listen in the times when you fail, or who buy chips and ice cream in a pub with you, or who ask if you're okay, or who make sure you never miss your prayer time. I'm telling you, those kind of people are the best you could hope for.

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- Maddie

Coffee Shop Chats - The Third

Yay! I was hoping that Tessa would post another of these. I love these chats! They're so fun. Click the link to see the rules for this link-up!

What I did this week

You won't believe it - I went on a mini road trip by myself! Wednesday was my day off of work, and I had heard that there was adoration outside in the evening around half an hour outside of the city I used to live in. The city was about 1 hr and 1/2 away, and I'd never driven anywhere that far on my own before, so I was nervous, but I made it with the help of my GPS and a phone call to my dad (but, really, guys, my dad is awesome). I arrived in the city in the afternoon around dinner time and was able to see my new baby cousin who is the most adorable little munchkin ever. I had dinner with my grandma, and stopped in at a bookstore before heading out to the church. I met a friend, and we sat together. Adoration was amazing. I was overwhelmed with the beauty of it - adoring our Savior out under the stars. I was able to go to confession, and it was a very peaceful time. I'm really glad I was able to go, even though it was so far away.

Also, that morning, I started spiritual direction with my priest friend who is pastor of the churches on the Reservation where my family is. The first session went well, and I'm excited for this new way to grow closer to God.

Food I've enjoyed made

Guys, I'm really bad in the kitchen, okay? I have been eating super simple things lately, because I don't want to waste food by cooking things that will turn out badly. So mostly sandwiches and cereal - I'm serious. Anyway, the other night I decided to try to make spaghetti. Let's say it wasn't a masterpiece. I think I cooked the noodles too long and the meat I tried to use for the sauce turned out to taste sour. I didn't want to get sick, so I threw the whole thing out and ate candy for dinner. That's a completely healthy alternative, what are you talking about? Ahem.

Drinks I've enjoyed

On the plus side, I found a really easy recipe for coffee vanilla milkshakes, and I've been loving those. *Goes to make one so I can take a picture for you to see* 

You're welcome

Music I've enjoyed

I've been noticing lately that my taste in music has changed a little. Or maybe I'm just discovering more music than I knew about before. Either way, I've been enjoying some music my aunt introduced me to, including Switchfoot, and Jack Johnson. Also, one of the only popular songs that I like right now is Hello by Adele. All the feels.

Movies I've enjoyed

Well, it's mainly been shows. I started watching Downton Abbey a few weeks ago, and I was like, "Oh, this is a cute show. Not much feels crushing going on, but I like it. It's interesting." And then came season 3 and I was like, "WHOA SLOW DOWN, NOW YOU'RE OVERDOING THE WHOLE FEELS THING. I TAKE IT BACK, I DIDN'T MEAN IT, GO BACK TO BEING THE INNOCENT LITTLE SHOW THAT YOU WERE AT THE BEGINNING!" I stopped watching it for almost a week just to recover from the shock and get over a character's death (and I had other things I needed to get done). I started season 4 on Saturday morning, and I cried through pretty much the whole first episode. But of course I'm still going to watch the rest. #nerdprobs

Currently loving

My job. Really, guys. I was so, so nervous before I started here. What if I had only liked the people at the old facility, and don't actually like being an aide wherever I go? I was so worried about the probability of being around younger coworkers than at my last job because I'm socially awkward I thought I worked better around older adults. And then I started work, and right away I loved it. I realized that I really do love being a CNA. I love the many different people I am able to work with - coworkers and residents. I love listening to their stories, and how each person has their own little quirks and preferences. I love being an aide, and I hope I'm able to do this for a long time. I really thank God for this blessing because if I didn't like my job, I don't know how I'd make it through the next at least 8 months.

Currently hoping

That I am able to visit my family for Thanksgiving! I don't think that I'll be able to get Christmas off, since I just started working here, and they'll probably give the holiday to the people who worked it last year. So, Thanksgiving seems like the best option to aim for, because New Years is probably pretty big, too. So please pray that I am able to get off for a good few days around Thanksgiving so that I can go see my family!

Looking forward to

A trip to see my best friends Mia and Ellie and Esther in August! The former two are both getting back from World Youth Day and Ellie is also getting back from SPEC, where she worked as a missionary in England for a year. She's bringing her boyfriend, too, and I am excited to meet him in person. Mia and Ellie are both going back to SPEC towards the end of August, so this will be the last I will see them for a while. *Royal sulk because they're leaving me behind* I am really, really hoping to be able to go and visit them, possibly in February, so please pray that that works out, as well!

Quotes I'm enjoying

To Answer Some Questions

What's on your summer reading list?

Okay, so I stayed up till 4 am on Saturday night to finish To All the Boys I've Loved Before by Jenny Han. Yes. Me. Staying up that late to finish a YA book. You know it must have been good. It was so beautifully written, and it felt so real. The dialogue sounded just like how teens talk now days. I could also relate so much to what Lara Jean was feeling when her sister left for college. In my case, I was the big sister who left, but I still felt her pain at being separated from the person she's spent her entire life with, and also the strain of all of the responsibilities she had to take on when Margot left. This book really spoke to me, because I'm going through a lot of what the characters in the book went through (even though I didn't write love letters that got sent out on accident). So, anyway, my quest for the summer is to be able to find and read the second book P.S. I Still Love You. Honestly, I don't really have anything else I'm planning on reading. I mean, I am going to read more, but I don't have something specific. I'm heading out to the library later to get a library card and I'm gonna look around while I'm there.

How did you celebrate the Fourth of July?

In all honesty, I did nothing to celebrate. I know. I'm a horrible citizen. But at work we had a 4th of July party for all of the residents and staff and their families on the 1st of the month, so that kind of counts.

Convo Starters

Do you have any big plans for this summer?

Is there some special project you're currently working on, or that you've just completed?

What's on your summer reading list?

How did you celebrate the Fourth of July?

Do you write more during the summer or take a break?

What do you drink at Starbucks on hot days?

Do you prefer summer or fall?

- Maddie

The Love of Life

As you might remember, my sister Meredith and I were very privileged to participate in The March For Life this year. And, yes, we survived Snowmeggadon! It was the first time we had gone on The March, and the first time we had been to D.C., and it will be all the more memorable because of the great blizzard of '16 :)

But I want to talk about more than just what we did on the trip. I want to talk about something I realized while on it.

During the extra days where we (around 400 people from our diocese) were cooped up in the hotel, trying to come up with things to do to entertain ourselves and trying not to go crazy from boredom, I felt a special connection with everyone when we would all gather in the huge conference room. I'd look around and have this feeling like we were all in this together. Most of us didn't know each other, and it's not like we were braving anything ridiculously crazy. We had a warm place to stay, good food to eat, comfortable rooms to hang out in, etc. But I felt like I could have looked at any of the people in the room and asked, "How are you doing with the circumstances?" whereas, if we hadn't been stuck in a blizzard, I wouldn't have felt like I could really relate to them as well.

The priests who were with us said over and over in their homilies that we were each there for a reason. And sitting in a big room crowded with kids, it came to me. I didn't know exactly how to put it into words until we arrived back home, but the feeling was there.

I realized during the course of our pilgrimage that each individual life matters.

I'm almost an adult, and I'm just now figuring that out.

It's not like I hadn't heard that or didn't know that before. It's that I never quite understood exactly what it meant until now.

We encourage mothers to choose life instead of having an abortion, because "God has a plan for the baby's and the mother's lives." But before this trip, it hadn't really occurred to me how true that really is. I finally realized that the mother and father didn't just create their baby. God really does want the mother to give birth to her child, because without Him there wouldn't have been a baby in the first place.

See, before my epiphany, I had had it somewhere in the back of my mind that God sort of sighed when He looked down and saw a young, unmarried mother and thought, "Ugh, time to do my part and give this baby's body a soul, I guess."

But no.

Life is beautiful and sacred and holy, because God decides when and who to allow to become pregnant with a soul that He has designed.

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He is teaching me that. I am beginning to feel a brotherly bond with people I never would have thought I would, and I know that it is more than just me trying to feel that way, because I know most of those people don't feel the same way towards me. I see the bad kid whose future as a saint doesn't look too bright as of this moment, and the annoying, pretty girl who always looks and acts perfect, and I have hope for them, because I know that God was thinking when He created them. For a reason that is known probably to God alone, we were put in each other's lives for some specific purpose. There's a reason why my friends were born in this age, and not 50 years ago; the people who I don't particularly get along with were also meant to live in this time and not 200 years in the future.

It's easy to get caught up in me, me, me. I've always known that God loves me and that He has a plan for me. But He's now making me see that He loves everyone around me too, and has had a plan for them from the time they were formed in the womb, as well. And not just "Everyone". I mean, yes, it is everyone, but that word is so... unpersonal. When you think, "God loves everyone," it's easy enough, right? But when you think, "God loves [insert name of someone who is rude to you]," you feel a small lurch in your stomach and a little hint of a doubt. A "That didn't seem all the way right," kind of feeling. But it is true, and it is absolutely right. God has a plan for each and every one of us, and loves that person just as much as He loves you. Not because it's just what He does. It's because He fashioned them with the same love in His heart that He had when He fashioned you. As one of my youth group leaders said, "Remember that everyone is good. I know that because God made them. And He is good. There is no evil person. There are good people who do bad things."

I'm praying that God, the Father Who loves me and you, will help all of us realize what part we are supposed to play in the lives of those we meet.

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