When Monsters Fall in Love

I wanted to share some writing because I haven't in a while. I wrote this in a coffee shop in a small suburb of London where Mia and I used trusty old Pinterest to find inspiration.

"Monsters fall in love, too."
via Pinterest

We're all touched by things. Funny how even someone with the darkest soul can be affected by beauty, or attached to people or places or pets or posessions. The thing is that most people don't enjoy inflicting pain or doing damage just for the pure sake of it. It's that they grow too attached to the wrong idea or person and don't care who they hurt in the process of trying to hang on to it as long as possible. They think they're doing "good," in a sense: either for themselves or for the people they're trying to keep. And if they do lose the thing that is precious to them, there is the danger of them becoming so hurt and disappointed and angry that they end up trying to express how they feel by attempting to make everyone around them feel the same. We all want everyone to understand how we are feeling and why. So really, it's no surprise that monsters fall in love, too - but rather that love, if sought after improperly or taken too far, can turn people into monsters.

I just realized that in my last post, I didn't really ask how you guys have been. #rude What have you guys been up to? Also, what are some posts you would like to see over the next few weeks? I have recently acquired quite a bit of time, so I will most likely be able to actually post every Tuesday, at least for a while. Let me know in the comments! It's good to be back!

Stay beautiful, guys!

- Maddie

The Importance of Friendship

Hey, guys! How is life? I have been super busy and doing exciting things since I last wrote. And by exciting I mean I SPENT TWO WEEKS IN EUROPE WITH MY BEST FRIENDS FOR EASTER BREAK! I still can't quite believe it. It had been a dream of mine to visit Europe, especially with my friends, and I can't get over the fact that I've actually set foot there. I mean like, my body was actually walking around in London. Oh, and don't freak out, but my best friend and I went walking around London on my last day and we went to this market area and it was cool and stuff. And then I watched season 4 of Sherlock a few weeks after I got home, and I noticed that they shot a scene in the same marketplace that we visited! Yeah, I was pretty psyched!

Ahhh, England, I miss you. I miss the tube and the pubs and how still the nights were because not a shop was open. I miss the coffee shops and the parks and galleries and the walks. I miss how everything seemed so sophisticated and when I came back home I realized how rough and rugged home seemed. I miss the accents that made me feel like I was stepping into any audio book ever made or a gothic romance novel. And of course, I miss my friends. The ones I've known for almost half my life, and the new friends I made while I was there. I miss that I can never go back to those moments, but it's okay because I'm happy that I was able to experience them.

Mia, thank you for going into a pub and ordering chips and ice cream with me. Thank you for spending two hours on the first step of our hiking directions because something nobody can accuse us of is having too little determination. Thank you for navigating way better than I could, even though it must have been stressful. Thank you for talking out our feelings with each other without getting into fights. Thank you for waking up at 4 in the morning and literally running through the airport with me so that I could make my plane. Thank you for being the best friend I could ever hope for.

Ellie, thank you for cutting my hair, and for always asking if I was okay. Thank you for  being a holy woman of God and for understanding. Thank you for being my eyes when I literally couldn't see. ;)

via Pinterest

I watched the last season of Sherlock after my trip and, my word, it left me with so many feels. You can see all throughout the show how Sherlock goes from being an arrogant, selfish person with no friends, to having friends but still being selfish, to learning how people work and interact with each other and trying to emulate them. And then finally in the last season, we see how much Sherlock really cares. He is willing to put himself in harm’s way to help the people he loves. Even some of his gestures that would seem rude, are his way of showing care. For example, he tells John and Lestrade that he’s going to take a cab on his own and that they’ll have to catch another one. When they ask him why, he says, “Because I need to think, and I don’t want to hurt you.”

via Pinterest

I think a lot of this show is focused on human behavior. No matter how much we may think we are different, we all need relatively the same things. People who try to function on their own, quite frankly, cannot. We fall apart on our own. As much as we want people to think we don’t care that much about them, we do.

I've found that I need people. I don't know how dry and starving I am until I go a long time without conversation and then finally have one again. With someone who really cares about what I'm saying, who doesn't give the impression that I'm talking too much or bothering them. But the time is never enough, and I'm always afraid that if I ask for more, I will be asking them for too much. That it will ruin the good that we had and I will give the impression that I'm clingy. Or that I will find out that they don't care about me as much as I do about them. I think that's one of my biggest fears. Finding out that the attachment or bond I have with someone isn't as strong as I think it is. I'm afraid to move away, to trade the good I have now for something better because it's still a good that I will lose. I don't want people to think that they aren't important to me. But I'm scared that if we move apart they won't think of me at all. My greatest fear is forgetting people and memories, and people forgetting me.

We all need to be needed. We need other people, and we need them to need us. There is no human in history who has ever functioned well without having someone who could understand them, or who they could relate to. It's impossible for us to live isolated lives. But that's what we spend most of our lives saying - "I don't need help." Essentially, we push away what we need. We damage ourselves. That's why you should take all the help you can get and give all the help you can give.

via Pinterest

We’re never going to make it through this life alone. Even Jesus had friends. He had over 12. He didn’t do his ministry on his own. That’s why good Christian fellowship is so important. Have friends who inspire you, who push you, but who will also be there to listen in the times when you fail, or who buy chips and ice cream in a pub with you, or who ask if you're okay, or who make sure you never miss your prayer time. I'm telling you, those kind of people are the best you could hope for.

via Pinterest

- Maddie

Facing Fears: Is Love Really Worth the Pain?

This is something I have been reflecting on a lot lately.

In the middle of August, I had the chance to visit my best friends one last time before they left for their mission in England. It was lovely. Soccer and walks and chocolate. Videos, 3 am talks, a concert, and ice cream. Not getting lost, just not finding our way. Rounding the traffic circle seven times before getting off on the right road. Talking in our sleep and laughing at each other. Sitting in silence and feeling comfortable because we've known one another for six years and we've been through just about everything together. Saying, "Well, I don't know about you, but you're pretty much my best friend." And the other rolling their eyes and responding, "Well, duh, you're my best friend, too." I had such a wonderful time, such a perfect balance of deep conversations mixed with silly nothings, that when I left, I left depressed. There was an overwhelming feeling of the people I was closest to outside of my family being separated from me across the ocean and the burning question in the back of my mind, "Will it ever be the same?" We're all growing up, finding our paths in life. What if the next time we see each other one of us or both of us have a boyfriend? What if we somehow grow apart? When will we even see each other next? Why do we never seem to get enough time with the person who understands us the best?

I've never regretted knowing and loving the people that I am closest to in my life. I've never wished I hadn't gotten to know someone as well as I have, or that we hadn't been so close. But after I got back from my visit, when I thought about the new relationships that I could be cultivating here in my new home, I had to ask myself, "Do I want the pain that's going to come with this later? Should I just leave things as they are and not try to make actual friends with people here, but just keep things casual? Should I love now and be hurt later, or be lonely now and it won't matter later? Is love worth the pain? I know I would think so if I really did come to love this person. But right now, while I have the chance to save us both the heartache, should I prevent it?"

It's tough to be always moving. I don't know how attached to get to one place. It may seem like we'll be there for a long time - that this will finally be the last place we'll move to for a few years, if not that we've finally found somewhere to settle permanently; but the reality is, it's probably not going to turn out that way, no matter how it may seem now. My family hasn't lived in one place for longer than a year since 2010. But the thing is, I've enjoyed pretty much every place we've lived since then, and I know that if I move somewhere else, I'll most likely enjoy it there, too. So the hard part is moving and leaving behind the ones you love in that place and not knowing if or when you will ever get the chance to see them again, but also knowing that if you stay where you are, you could be missing out on falling in love with more people and places, too.

It's also sometimes hard being an introvert. I think it takes us longer to get to know people and to open up ourselves, and I feel like a lot of the time when I am just starting to feel comfortable around people, that's when we leave.

After the trip, I wrote this in my journal, "Do I really want to live here for years? Is staying in one place for years and years something I'm capable of? I don't want to always be moving, but since I always am, it's hard to picture me not. And I wonder if I would be able to stand it.... I guess I'm feeling lonely right now. I mean, where do I really belong? I've never wished that I hadn't met any of my friends, but at the same time, it just makes everything so much more difficult. I want to make friends here, but which will be worse: the pain of having no one to talk to, or the ache when I have to leave? I want to live here for a long time, but I don't. I want to get to know people more closely, but if I don't stay, it will make it harder to leave. Or what if they leave? Ever since I can remember, I'm the one who has moved away. I've moved on and left them, and met new people and been to new places, and I miss the people I've left behind, but at least I have a distraction. They have to stay where they are and go on with their lives without me, and I don't know if I could stand to switch places because I'm sure people handle it better than I would.... I guess that's what I want to know. Is it better to not have as much love, and therefore not have as much hurt? Or does the love always outweigh the pain?"

I was really praying that God would speak to me. There are times that I want to hear clearly God's voice more than anything, and that was one of those days. I didn't get an answer when I opened the Bible, and I went about the day in a deep sadness. At work, during my lunch break, I was surprised to see that Mia was online at the same time I was, and we were able to talk until I had to go back to work. She asked me how I was, and I almost just replied with the typical, "Fine, how are you?" But I caught myself and decided to tell her what I was really feeling. Sometimes it feels weird saying things like that over the internet and not in person, but as she was already in England, that would not be happening soon.

So I asked her, "Should I make friends now and be sad later when I leave, or be lonely now and it won't matter later?" I didn't use the word "pain" at all.

When she wrote back, she said, "Don't be lonely now. That's my advice. I feel like the pain is worth it." 

Her choice of words answered exactly what I had asked for earlier in prayer, "Does love always outweigh the pain?" There was such an inexplicable feeling of comfort that came with having received an answer to my fear from God and my best friend at the same time.

A few days later, I wrote in my journal, "I've come to realize that with life there comes pain, no matter how you choose to live it. I would be hurt if no one loved me. If I was deliberately abused, I would of course be hurt, too. And if I love someone and they love me and we never see each other again, we will hurt then, the same. But if I choose the latter, at least I'll have some happiness, too. I'll have the joy of memories. I'll always look back and be glad I knew them instead of the nagging feeling in the back of my mind saying, 'What if I had?'

"Life, love, and pain go hand in hand, no matter how you choose to look at it. Therefore, the choice that stands is not, 'if' we should love, but 'how' we should give and receive it."

We all have these fears at some time or another, don't we? You obviously know now that I do. Have you ever felt this way? The funny thing is, if we all thought this way and then chose to not love so as not to be hurt, how would life go on? We would all be so afraid to step out and go to new places and meet new people because of the possibly of getting hurt later that we would miss out on so much.

So go ahead and make that step. Get to know that person better who you were afraid to become close to. We shouldn't become too attached to anyone or anything because it wouldn't be good for us to be completely crushed if something were to happen, but that 'maybe' shouldn't prevent us from creating good, strong relationships now.

I want to hear your thoughts on this subject. I want these topics to be things we can share with each other. Little heart to heart conversations. It's good to know that people have the same feelings; that you're not the only one who feels a certain way. Not that you're glad someone else is going through the same ugly situation, but that since they are, you're glad they didn't just keep it to themself and think that they were the only ones with that problem. I want Facing Fears to become a regular post topic, and hopefully will post one once a month. What do you guys think?

And to end, I wanted to share a poem I wrote before leaving my family in Montana. I haven't shared some of my writing in forever, so here's a bit for you. Thank you for being patient with me, and for all of your wonderful comments on my last post. You don't know how warm it made me feel inside. You all are wonderful.

(I had titled it Fears Forgotten, but I'm not sure if I think it fits the best, now. Oh, well.)

It's good to know

You will be missed;

To know your loneliness is 

Worth something.

Nice to have the words taken

Right out of your mouth:

"Call me."

"Write me."

"Keep in touch."

"Tell me everything."

"I'll see you soon, won't I?"

Easier to breathe once your fears are taken away.

Honey, you're friends.

Stop worrying.

Peace, everyone. Until next time.

- Maddie

In Which I Come Back From Hibernation

Hello, everyone!

No, I didn't die.

Thanks for your concern.

I'm really sorry for the pain you've been going through not knowing when and/or if I was going to post again.

Nothing tragic has happened to keep me from blogging except for maybe living an adult life. I just haven't had much time, and when I have, I have preferred to use that time to relax my frazzled mind.

Did you know it was my blog's first birthday on July 16th, and I didn't even have a party for it? I know. Shame on me. I'm a terrible parent. No, I really do feel bad. Other bloggers have awesome celebrations planned for their blogs which sometimes go for a week, and they'll have tags, and giveaways for their followers (cause you can't really give your blog a gift, so giving one to the people who support you and your blog is the next best thing), etc. I did not even acknowledge my blog, say thank you to any of you, or even post in like a month. So I'm saying it now: Thank you all so much. You all mean a lot to me. I mean it. It means a lot that you read what I have to say and take time to say that you read it and that you have opinions on what I have to say, as well.

Guys, I'm really sorry. I want you to stay. I want to have things to talk about. I don't want to slip away from posting for so long that I think that no one will be interested if I do decide to post again. I don't want to have a reason to think, "It's too late, now." I feel like I've been a bad blogger, and I want to have a more consistent schedule and really try to stick to it. I've already lost one follower, and I don't want to lose you, too.

I really haven't even been writing fiction, so don't feel left out. My creative side has really been placed on the back burner because work has kind of been burning me out. I really hate it. Not work; I love my job. I hate not having inspiration. It's like I have no inspiration, but I don't even want it/am not even looking for it, but I want to want it and I hate that I don't. I don't want to lose the writer in me. I want to always feel the need to write. I don't know why I don't right now and it bothers me. I guess I need to try to write and the more I do the more inspired I will be.

So life has been really interesting. I've been making new friends. I've been finding my own clothing style. I got my hair cut a different way than I have before. I've been finding new music and movies and shows. I've been figuring out that the stuff my mom used to tell me was healthy for me actually does make me feel good when I eat it instead of when I eat crap. I've been driving all around and having to make my own decisions about what events to say yes to and what to pass up on. I've turned down a relationship. I've said goodbye to my best friends and hoped that I will see them before a year is up. I've had to budget. I've been doing spiritual direction with my priest friend and have to dig and find my weaknesses and my flaws and my sins and try to figure out what will help me overcome them. I've had to push my introverted self to socialize when I don't feel like it because I know I'll be thankful that I did later. I've been learning my limits and finding when I do need alone time. I've been learning who I am as a person and it's a hard journey but I'm glad that I have this opportunity.

I've had a lot of time to think since I've been on my own. I have some thoughts that I want to share, and which I will try to put into words worthy of reading and post soon.

I have approximately two minutes before my alarm rings and I'll have to get ready for work, so I'm going to have to wrap this up quick. I'm really happy to be back, and I have a few post ideas. I will always appreciate receiving requests from you guys about what to post about, so if you have any ideas, please let me know! I love you guys, and I'll see you next Tuesday!

P.S. Maybe we should start planning my blog's second birthday now?

- Maddie

Coffee Shop Chats - The Third

Yay! I was hoping that Tessa would post another of these. I love these chats! They're so fun. Click the link to see the rules for this link-up!

What I did this week

You won't believe it - I went on a mini road trip by myself! Wednesday was my day off of work, and I had heard that there was adoration outside in the evening around half an hour outside of the city I used to live in. The city was about 1 hr and 1/2 away, and I'd never driven anywhere that far on my own before, so I was nervous, but I made it with the help of my GPS and a phone call to my dad (but, really, guys, my dad is awesome). I arrived in the city in the afternoon around dinner time and was able to see my new baby cousin who is the most adorable little munchkin ever. I had dinner with my grandma, and stopped in at a bookstore before heading out to the church. I met a friend, and we sat together. Adoration was amazing. I was overwhelmed with the beauty of it - adoring our Savior out under the stars. I was able to go to confession, and it was a very peaceful time. I'm really glad I was able to go, even though it was so far away.

Also, that morning, I started spiritual direction with my priest friend who is pastor of the churches on the Reservation where my family is. The first session went well, and I'm excited for this new way to grow closer to God.

Food I've enjoyed made

Guys, I'm really bad in the kitchen, okay? I have been eating super simple things lately, because I don't want to waste food by cooking things that will turn out badly. So mostly sandwiches and cereal - I'm serious. Anyway, the other night I decided to try to make spaghetti. Let's say it wasn't a masterpiece. I think I cooked the noodles too long and the meat I tried to use for the sauce turned out to taste sour. I didn't want to get sick, so I threw the whole thing out and ate candy for dinner. That's a completely healthy alternative, what are you talking about? Ahem.

Drinks I've enjoyed

On the plus side, I found a really easy recipe for coffee vanilla milkshakes, and I've been loving those. *Goes to make one so I can take a picture for you to see* 

You're welcome

Music I've enjoyed

I've been noticing lately that my taste in music has changed a little. Or maybe I'm just discovering more music than I knew about before. Either way, I've been enjoying some music my aunt introduced me to, including Switchfoot, and Jack Johnson. Also, one of the only popular songs that I like right now is Hello by Adele. All the feels.

Movies I've enjoyed

Well, it's mainly been shows. I started watching Downton Abbey a few weeks ago, and I was like, "Oh, this is a cute show. Not much feels crushing going on, but I like it. It's interesting." And then came season 3 and I was like, "WHOA SLOW DOWN, NOW YOU'RE OVERDOING THE WHOLE FEELS THING. I TAKE IT BACK, I DIDN'T MEAN IT, GO BACK TO BEING THE INNOCENT LITTLE SHOW THAT YOU WERE AT THE BEGINNING!" I stopped watching it for almost a week just to recover from the shock and get over a character's death (and I had other things I needed to get done). I started season 4 on Saturday morning, and I cried through pretty much the whole first episode. But of course I'm still going to watch the rest. #nerdprobs

Currently loving

My job. Really, guys. I was so, so nervous before I started here. What if I had only liked the people at the old facility, and don't actually like being an aide wherever I go? I was so worried about the probability of being around younger coworkers than at my last job because I'm socially awkward I thought I worked better around older adults. And then I started work, and right away I loved it. I realized that I really do love being a CNA. I love the many different people I am able to work with - coworkers and residents. I love listening to their stories, and how each person has their own little quirks and preferences. I love being an aide, and I hope I'm able to do this for a long time. I really thank God for this blessing because if I didn't like my job, I don't know how I'd make it through the next at least 8 months.

Currently hoping

That I am able to visit my family for Thanksgiving! I don't think that I'll be able to get Christmas off, since I just started working here, and they'll probably give the holiday to the people who worked it last year. So, Thanksgiving seems like the best option to aim for, because New Years is probably pretty big, too. So please pray that I am able to get off for a good few days around Thanksgiving so that I can go see my family!

Looking forward to

A trip to see my best friends Mia and Ellie and Esther in August! The former two are both getting back from World Youth Day and Ellie is also getting back from SPEC, where she worked as a missionary in England for a year. She's bringing her boyfriend, too, and I am excited to meet him in person. Mia and Ellie are both going back to SPEC towards the end of August, so this will be the last I will see them for a while. *Royal sulk because they're leaving me behind* I am really, really hoping to be able to go and visit them, possibly in February, so please pray that that works out, as well!

Quotes I'm enjoying

To Answer Some Questions

What's on your summer reading list?

Okay, so I stayed up till 4 am on Saturday night to finish To All the Boys I've Loved Before by Jenny Han. Yes. Me. Staying up that late to finish a YA book. You know it must have been good. It was so beautifully written, and it felt so real. The dialogue sounded just like how teens talk now days. I could also relate so much to what Lara Jean was feeling when her sister left for college. In my case, I was the big sister who left, but I still felt her pain at being separated from the person she's spent her entire life with, and also the strain of all of the responsibilities she had to take on when Margot left. This book really spoke to me, because I'm going through a lot of what the characters in the book went through (even though I didn't write love letters that got sent out on accident). So, anyway, my quest for the summer is to be able to find and read the second book P.S. I Still Love You. Honestly, I don't really have anything else I'm planning on reading. I mean, I am going to read more, but I don't have something specific. I'm heading out to the library later to get a library card and I'm gonna look around while I'm there.

How did you celebrate the Fourth of July?

In all honesty, I did nothing to celebrate. I know. I'm a horrible citizen. But at work we had a 4th of July party for all of the residents and staff and their families on the 1st of the month, so that kind of counts.

Convo Starters

Do you have any big plans for this summer?

Is there some special project you're currently working on, or that you've just completed?

What's on your summer reading list?

How did you celebrate the Fourth of July?

Do you write more during the summer or take a break?

What do you drink at Starbucks on hot days?

Do you prefer summer or fall?

- Maddie

Welcoming a New Birth (Blog)

Guys, I am so excited to announce this! *Squeals and does a happy dance* Are you ready for this? Okay, good.

Drum roll

MY BEST FRIEND LAUNCHED HER BLOG ON SUNDAY!

Confetti

Fanfare

Gah, you guys don't know how much I've waited for this.

A little about Mia (pronounced MY-a, not MEE-a):

Our families both joined the same missionary training group in 2010, and we've been best friends ever since.

Our families have lived in the same house, so we know each other preeettty well, I'd say, being around each other for literally 24/7 for much of the time we've known each other.

She's a writer (and a very good one, at that), so if you want to feel all the feels, I suggest you follower her.

Like it says in her About Page, she really, really loves chocolate and tea, so if you ever want to bribe her into being your friend, just send her a bunch. It worked for me! (Wait, what?) ;)


So now that you know about her and her new baby (er, blog) let's give her a big welcome!

Welcome to the blogging world, Mia! Can't wait to comment on allll your posts, and tag you in allll the tags!

And I order the rest of you to go now and follow her at Word and Tea Blending! (isn't that just a lovely name?)

Have a happy Tuesday, all!

- Maddie

Interview!

Hey, everyone! I'm being interviewed today by my friend Abi at her blog, Rambling Writer. The interview is a part of a monthly series that she is hosting called Promoting Creativity. I'm really excited for this and I hope you'll check it out here!


auf wiedersehen, darling

-Maddie

A Tribute To My Summer

We painted that summer

With friends by our side. 

We covered ourselves in colors and smiles and sweat.

And we did great things that summer

With brushes and paint

And tape and plastic

And razors and paper

And buckets and bristles

And water and chisels 

And caulking and singing

And ladders and love.

auf wiedersehen, darling

- Maddie